Wreckage of the Three Kingdoms
by Aquatic-Idealist
Summary: As a public service, Zuo Ci tries to help a desperate family earn some money. But, because of his work, Wei, Shu, and Wu find themselves caught in a land where madness reigns supreme... Will things ever return to normal?
1. This is Madness

Wreckage of the Three Kingdoms

Chapter 1: This is Madness...

"This is my son..."

"Uh, huh..."

"He's twenty four years old."

"Truly?"

"And... And he hasn't been potty trained!"

"Oh?"

Three men stood outside of a dark and gloomy temple. They were high in the mountains, high enough for the top of clouds to show up around them. One of them wore a tattered brown robe, his face was messy and wild, like a warriors, except that he was far too skinny. Anyone with semi-decent eyesight could tell that if he were to lift a lance, he'd snap in half.

The other two men seemed much older. One had gray hair, and looked quite ashamed, often staring back at the brown-robed man with a pitiful expression. He wore a light blue robe, one that made him seem semi-decent, by Imperial standards.

The third was a rather eccentric person. With a long goatee, a sharp, split mustache, and pure white facial hair, most people would find such a man a terror to behold. Adding a bluish tattoo to the right side of his face that covered his right eye wasn't exactly an accepted fashion statement either.

"So, Master Zuo Ci, all I'm saying is: please make certain that my son can get a job!" The old man bowed low.

The brown-robed man proceeded to scratch his nether regions.

Zuo Ci looked utterly disgusted. "Um, sure... But do keep in mind that I'm not a public service, you know."

"I understand... I'll pay you anything. I'll even give you my wife."

"HEY!" A voice yelled from far in the distance.

Zuo Ci looked disturbed. "Yes, um, well, I will do what I can to manipulate the wheel of fate."

* * *

_Three days later..._

"Lord Cao Cao, strange reports have been arriving from every corner of the Empire."

"Such as?"

"We've received word that a giant Chicken has been laying siege to Meng Huo's fortress in the south. Apparently it's large enough to eat the very Elephants his troops depend on so much."

Cao Cao's eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets. "What the hell?"

"Yes, that, and large fish have been found swimming in the Chang Jiang. They appear to be similar to something called a 'killer whale' in our records. That means that Wu is suffering from ships being eaten whole and trade becoming very distorted, but it also means that an attack on Wu would be suicide on our parts."

"And what of events in Shu?"

"Ma Chao, Wei Yan, and Zhang Fei have ceased to exist."

"Wait, who are they?"

"My point exactly."

"So... So this would mean that drastic changes have occurred all over China..." Cao Cao shook his head. Such things seemed like they'd be in fairy tales. Was he dreaming? Had he been smoking herbs again last night?

"Indeed... My lord, I must go now." The messenger turned and walked off.

"Wait... Are hooves normal on people?" Cao Cao thought to himself as the servant's sandals were being crushed by his hooves.

"The palace is under siege!" Someone yelled from a distance.

At this moment, Zhang Liao entered the room.

"My lord!"

"What is it?"

"A large bird... Pig... Thing is laying siege to the castle. Large brown bombs of sorts have crashed into the roof of several storage areas, making stored grain inedible. When dropped on people, they are disintegrated instantly. We must leave before it can continue destroying the area... Your safety is first, my lord."

"Have our troops intercepted it?"

"Our archers were trying their best, but half of them deserted from the smell of the enemy's ammunition."

"Wait, so you're saying that we're dealing with giant globs of shit from the sky?"

"Indeed, sir."

"What has Heaven done to us now?"

* * *

"With those, killer whales, right? With those damn things overwhelming our navy at the river, there's no way we can possibly counter an attack from Wei!" Lu Meng cursed.

"Then again..." Zhou Yu observed. "How will they be able to cross the river if those whales will eat their ships whole?"

Both men, as well as a myriad of Wu strategists, were gathered in a war tent near the banks of the Chang Jiang (Yangtze) river. Of course, they were afraid of the killer whales, but knew that they wouldn't be able to get out of water long enough to devour the encampment.

"Don't know..." Lu Meng mumbled.

"Wait... Killer Whales are giant fish... That means the fishing will be great, right?" Kan Ze smiled.

"I wouldn't count on it if I were you..." Zhou Yu shook his head.

"Your loss..." The carefree scholar laughed and walked off.

Moments later, they heard a blood-curling scream, and the twang of a bowstring. Running out, they found Kan Ze stuck on the ground, an arrow having torn through his robe. Nearby Sun Shang Xiang held a bow high, proud that she had saved her old friend.

"You nearly killed me!" Kan Ze moaned, trying to get up.

"Had you not been so risky, I wouldn't have had to take chances with your life." She replied bitterly.

In the shallow water nearby, a killer whale swam restlessly, cursing itself for the loss of its prey.

* * *

"Lord Liu Bei, a giant Chicken has been laying siege to Meng Huo's army. Sooner or later it will smash through our defenses at Yue Juan and come squawking our way." Zhuge Liang calmly waved his feather fan.

"So what should I do about it?"

"Absolutely nothing. Let me send archers with fire arrows equipped, as well as pikemen to drive that giant bird away."

"Ok, then."

"Furthermore, flying pigs are laying siege to Cao Cao's palace."

"Flying Pigs?! HAHAHAHAHA!" Liu Bei burst out laughing.

Kongming did not look amused. "I am not joking. Flying pigs are really attacking Cao Cao's palace, and killer whales have shown up in the Chang Jiang. Conquering other lands would not be in our favor if those killer whales make it to the Wei river."

"Wait... How can you receive news when the rivers are infested with such monstrosities?"

"I... Um... I... Have scouts who shoot arrows over the river."

"That makes sense."

"Indeed. Now stamp the seal of approval already so I can go kill things."

"Ok." Liu Bei stamped the document.

"Excellent..." Kongming smiled to himself. "Soon, soon none of Sima Yi's fangirls will continue to praise their allegiance to him. Now, they'll be going after me instead. I'll have more than just my current ones and Yue Ying. I'll have a giant harem! MWAHAHA!"

* * *

Zuo Ci and Guan Lu hovered over the land. The flying pigs, killer whales, and the giant chicken weren't the only problem... With the horse-people having settled in this land of China, they decided that humans (aka, normal people) should not have the right to exist. Thus, gathering together, the horse-people planned to create their own confederacy, where, through special contacts with the other intelligent animals, like the whales and the chicken, they'd conquer all of China and make this land for the animals!

And the two majestic taoist sages realized, as they floated along, that, well, China was definitely screwed... And it was all their fault.

Now, the fate of the middle kingdom rested on the shoulders of three Emperors:

Liu Bei, who still couldn't get over the fact that flying pigs were pelting his rival with their excrement.

Cao Cao, who covered his head, trying to hide from the pink and fat bombers.

And Sun Quan, who was staring hopelessly at the huge killer whales moping around in his river.

And through their efforts, China would never be the same...


	2. Men

Why the long wait? Well... Just read on, ok? XD

Chapter 2: Men

A few months had passed, yet still the Wei, Shu, and Wu armies were completely clueless as to what to do next.

The Giant Chicken single handedly ate four Shu forts, whole, and many of Shu's residents wondered why they heard the sound of bones crunching in the distance.

The men of Wei, meanwhile, hid underground, unwilling to let those giant globs of excrement dissolve them into nothingness. All life upon the surface of the central plains, other than the pigs themselves, was purged. Nothing could withstand the sheer magnitude of the biohazard that those pieces of shit proved to be.

As their airholes slowly got covered in that deadly brown substance, the Wei army decided to send a few diggers to dig a tunnel under the river, and emerge from the other side into Wu or Shu, where they could forge a temporary alliance with the other two nations in the hopes of saving China from this madness once and for all.

As for the men of Wu, well...

* * *

Jiang Qin continued to scrub himself with orange paste. "Are you sure this'll make me look less fat?" He shouted over his back.

Zhou Yu nodded, unwilling to look Jiang Qin in the eye.

"And that, by swimming in that river, I'll become the sexist beast alive?"

"Of course, now keep on scrubbing!" Zhu Ran answered for their commander.

Zhou Yu sighed as he turned to Lu Xun, who continued to shake his own head. "To think we have to resort to using shrimp paste on our catapult fodder in order to make those killer whales less rowdy..."

"At least we're sacrificing Jiang Qin, and not someone more useful." Quan Cong pointed out.

"What makes you so sure you won't be next?" Zhu Ran chuckled, and at that suggestion Quan Cong shivered.

"D-Don't say that! I'm sure He Qi's next, then Chen Wu, and maybe Pan Zhang, and then some other guy..." He stammered.

Zhu Ran laughed. "Nah, last time I checked Pan Zhang had a better record than you. You better start saying your prayers once Chen Wu starts covering himself in paste."

"And to think he finds this hilarious..." Lu Meng mumbled bitterly.

* * *

"Lord Liu Bei, that Chicken has gone too far. I alone shall engage it in battle." Zhuge Kongming, the greatest Prime Minister Heaven had ever known, or, at least, the self-proclaimed greatest Prime Minister Heaven had ever known, spoke as he struck a dramatic pose with his fan.

"Master Zhuge, if you are slain in battle, what will become of me?" Liu Bei whimpered.

"Do a few favors for Fa Zheng, and I'm sure he'll be more willing to help you."

"What... What kind of favors?"

Zhuge Liang wagged his eyebrows. "Has your rear been punctured yet?"

Liu Bei's eyes widened. "No... Not yet..."

"Then you'd better learn to enjoy it when I am late in my return."

Liu Bei gulped as Kongming walked proudly away.

* * *

And inside Wei's bunker, an interesting event happened.

"It's Lu Bu! Lu Bu's coming to kill us!" Yu Jin ran into Cao Cao's throne cave, his face contorted with fear.

"Hmn? Lu Bu?" Zhang Liao was confused. He once served Lu Bu, but now that guy was dead. What was going on?

At that moment, the man among men slammed himself into the room.

"I want money!"

Cao Cao stared at Lu Bu as though he was a talking rat. "Hmn? For what?"

"So that I can buy bigger spear!"

Cheng Yu started to giggle, but Li Dian hit him on the back of the head, knocking him out cold.

"Now now, General, no need to be rude." Another person stepped into the room.

"Chen Gong? It really is you!" Cao Cao jumped up, with sparkles in his eyes.

"Um, yeah..." Chen Gong blinked.

"You have no idea how much I missed you!" Cao Cao blushed.

Xiahou Dun glanced at Mengde. "But I... But I thought... Waah!"

And ran out the room crying.

Lu Bu stared after Xiahou Dun with a pitiful look in his eyes, while Chen Gong looked highly disturbed.

"Give it a rest, lover boy." Another person entered.

"Guo Jia? Finally, my harem is complete! My 300 wives are here, along with Chen Gong and Guo Jia. I can die a happy man!"

Chen Gong stared at the other strategist. "I guess we should have stayed dead, huh?"

Guo Jia blinked. "Why? Mengde's better than my wife at times."

At that point Chen Gong decided to shut up and slowly back away towards the cave's opening.

"Anyways..." Jia Xu cleared his throat. "Chen Gong, I assume you came here without the intention to kill us."

Chen Gong nodded slowly. "Well, I don't want to kill you persay, but I can't be too sure about my lord."

"I want MONEY!" Lu Bu demanded.

"I give you money, you fight for me, deal?" Cao Cao clasped his hands together.

"I understand! Now give me Money!" Lu Bu yelled back.

"NOT UNTIL YOU SERVE ME!" Cao Cao shouted.

"Well, I..." Lu Bu stopped and thought for a bit. "Chen Gong! What's that word again? I want money before I fight..."

Chen Gong sighed. "Will you agree to pay him in advance, Mengde?"

Cao Cao smirked. "Sure."

Chen Gong nodded. "Then it's a deal."

"Huh?" Lu Bu blinked.

"He'll pay you before you fight." Chen Gong sighed.

"Ok. I thank you, Cao Cao." Lu Bu bowed.

"No need." Cao Cao sneered. "No need."


	3. Old Fiends and New Friends

Explanation: This chapter is not so much funny as it is a setup for the epic scenes that will come later.

Several historical characters will appear! Even if you hate history, well, I swear to you that you'll be loving this sooner or later! XD

* * *

Chapter 3: Old Fiends and New Friends

A man walked along the streets of Jian Ye. His armor was silver, and his face was rather rough. He carried a huge spear, with a sword and a battle ax strapped on his back.

He walked along, when a group of peasants started pointing at him.

"It can't be..."

"The King?"

The man turned to look at the peasants, and they started to squeal.

"Our King has returned after such a long sleep!" He heard them cry.

He blinked. How would they recognize him?

"Wait... I've been gone for how long...?" He asked them.

"For four hundred years we've been missing you, our great King!" They yelled.

He blinked as the peasants started to shout. "Behold! The King of Chu has returned!"

* * *

Liu Bei stepped towards Fa Zheng's quarters. "Master Fa?" He asked timidly.

The door opened to reveal a sleepy Fa Zheng.

Fa Zheng yawned in Liu Bei's face. "Your majesty, how may I help you?"

"Master Fa, lord Zhuge Liang is away."

"Yes?"

"So... So I would like your assistance."

"Oh, well, that's my job to assist you, is it not? Excuse me while I get dressed."

"But, Master Fa, would you, um, like me to assist you in getting dressed?"

At this point Fa Zheng cringed. "My lord, are you drunk?"

"No." Liu Bei blinked.

"Then, why..."

Liu Bei blurted out. "Because Kongming told me that you were gay."

Fa Zheng stared at Xuande for a moment. "And you believed him, after I've been serving you for years? ARSE!"

Xuande bowed his head.

"Arse! Arse! I'm sick of your dependence on Zhuge Liang. Listen to the rest of us for a change!"

Xuande groveled on the ground. "Forgive me!"

Fa Zheng stared at his Emperor for a few moments, and slammed the door.

* * *

Xiang Yu found himself mobbed by thousands of peasants.

"To find you walking among us once again in these times!" They cried, while he raised an eyebrow.

"I failed to lead you when Liu Bang took our freedom away from us. Why do you still put your faith in me?" (1.)

"Because you are our hope! You must help Emperor Sun Quan!"

"Jiang Dong has an Emperor now?" Xiang Yu was shocked.

"Yes, and he is of the Sun clan, descended from Sun Bin himself!" They replied.

"Sun Bin?" Xiang Yu blinked. "That great tactician?"

"Yes... The kind of man who you would never listen to." Another voice called from a distance.

"Fan Zeng..." Xiang Yu turned to him. "If I listened to you, Jiang Dong would have stayed strong and proud. Now we were forced to bow at Han's feet..."

"But that can be changed, my lord. You might have failed as the King of Chu, as the Lord of Jiang Dong, but if you support young Sun Quan, you can help Jiang Dong rise again." Fan Zeng nodded.

"I suppose I can... But how will we be able to join Sun Quan? I was once feared, and perhaps Sun Quan will be unwilling to have a monster in his ranks."

"But you are no monster, my lord." A woman's voice spoke among the crowd.

"Miao Yu? You are still alive! I am shocked!" Xiang Yu blinked. "I thought I lost you..."

Fan Zeng smiled. "It seems that we were all revived..."

Xiang Yu sighed. "Which means Lu Matong is probably alive, under Liu Bang's banner. If Liu Bang and Zhang Liang were revived as well, how will I be able to look him in the eye?"

"You can, as a man of Wu, as you have always been. Lu Matong is also a man of Wu. Would he so eagerly betray Jiang Dong?" Fan Zen spoke.

"I should hope not! We of Chu are not cowards!" Miao Yu spoke with stern conviction.

"And that is why she is the wife of a King." Fan Zeng smiled.

"Very well, let us go and help Jiang Dong stay independent once more. Those dogs of Han will never overcome us again!" Xiang Yu raised his spear and cheered.

* * *

Liu Bei walked around, as gloomy as ever. He left the city wearing a cloak, and as he wandered the streets of Hanzhong he bumped into another man with a cloak.

The other man's hood fell off, and Liu Bei gasped.

"Emperor Gaozu? How is this possible?"

Liu Bang stared at Liu Bei. "So you have now blown my cover." (2.)

Zhang Liang and Xiao He, who were standing nearby, also took off their hoods. "I guess fate has forced us to take action after all." Han's first Prime Minister sighed.

"Master Zhang Liang! My god, if Kongming was here to meet you!" Liu Bei was ridiculously excited.

The peasants of Shu had their jaws drop. Two Emperors, Han's first Emperor Liu Bang, and their current Emperor Liu Bei were standing in front of them, staring at each other.

Liu Bang eyed Liu Bei's clothing. "So I take it you are the boss of these parts."

Liu Bei bowed. "Yes, I am Emperor Liu Bei of Shu Han."

"Shu Han? Why not say 'Han' itself? Why add the name of a province?"

"Because much of China has been lost to Wei and Wu."

"Wait... Wu Province... Don't tell me, Jiang Dong has regained it's independence?!"

"Yes..."

"If he is alive, then Xiang Yu must be proud." Liu Bang's teeth ground together in rage as he glared to the east.

"But Wu is our ally!" Liu Bei insisted.

Liu Bang laughed. "The men of Chu and Wu are wolves. They will join together as a pack, but kill everyone else who is not part of their pack. They are nothing but animals, not men, and by allying with them you are only letting them grow strong while you grow naïve and weak. An idiot like you is clearly unfit to be Emperor. Let me be in charge!"

Liu Bei's face turned pale, but Zhang Liang spoke.

"A fool's decision, my lord. The people are too much in shock to trust you as their Emperor."

"You dare cross me? Do you want me to cleanse you of sin like I did to Han Xin?" Liu Bang threatened.

Zhang Liang kept his mouth shut. Liu Bei glanced at the former Prime Minister eagerly, but Zhang Liang made no move to say anything else. Xiao He also kept silent, as he did not know what to say.

Liu Bei cringed before Liu Bang, who drew a sword. "Let us see if you are worthy to keep Han in your hands, boy."

Liu Bei drew his blades. "I dislike fighting, but I do not want to give up Shu to you."

Zhang Liang shook his head. "Must such things be done?"

Xiao He only blinked.

Liu Bang laughed. "Who are you supporting, Zifang? Once I recruit that Zhuge Liang fellow, perhaps I'll get rid of you."

Zhang Liang only sighed. "I can only hope that you will not be the one to succeed."

Liu Bang scoffed, but Liu Bei, taking advantage of Liu Bang's foolishness, made his strike. Both swords hacked away at the Gaozu's arms, and he let out a screech.

"Now, are you willing to help me restore the Han?"

"And give it to a weakling like you?"

"And who among us is the defeated one?"

"Very well... But don't expect me to be proud of you, you worthless successor." (3.)

Zhang Liang bowed. "I will eagerly advise you as best I can. I hear many disasters have struck China in this age."

Liu Bei bowed. "Master Zhang, I will do what I can to have you and Master Zhuge save the Han."

* * *

Cao Cao sighed as he began to smell the damage from above.

"My lord! Our airholes are leaking, and the tunnel is far from completion!" Lu Qian warned.

"I want to kill!" Lu Bu yelled to no one in particular.

"Zhang Liao, whatever you do, don't let Lu Bu get near the tunnel's entrance." Cao Cao warned him.

Zhang Liao sighed. "That's impossible, my lord..."

"Then why are we building it, anyway?" Cao Cao moaned.

"So that we can get a bigger airhole?" Cao Xiong offered.

Cao Cao glared at the young man. "Xiong, if you weren't my son, I'd fire you. Remember that."

* * *

In front of the Sun palace, Xiang Yu stood uneasily with Fan Zeng and Miao Yu.

"So... Um... What should I say to keep Sun Quan from killing me upon entry?" Xiang Yu turned to Fan Zeng.

The strategist facepalmed. "Just be yourself."

"That's the point. He'll get intimidated, and he'll kill all three of us right there." Xiang Yu replied.

"Hey, Pops, isn't that?..." Another voice spoke.

"Son, I'll talk to him." A deeper voice spoke in turn.

Xiang Yu and Co were confused. "And who might you be?" Fan Zeng asked the two men in red who were walking towards them.

The older one smiled. "My name is Sun Jian, and I believe that you three will be of great service to us."

* * *

1. It's said that, on his dying breath, Xiang Yu turned humble, crying at the fact that he failed to keep Jiang Dong independent from Han. He cursed himself for letting so many of Jiang Dong's sons die in his service, and felt unworthy to live and return home because he made so many mothers cry over their children's deaths. Taking from this, I have made Xiang Yu a lot more humble because he knows that he failed, but now he's given a second chance to help Wu (Jiang Dong), and he will do his best. Knowing Xiang Yu, well, Lu Bu is screwed.

2. "Gaozu" means "First Emperor." Liu Bang is Han's Gaozu, but to shorten things I wanted to use Gaozu only, as that's a common nickname for the First Emperor of any dynasty. Zhang Liang is merely the first Prime Minister of Han, not it's Emperor.

3. Considering Zhang Liang's words: "Liu Bang is a man to stand beside in times of torment, but not one to celebrate with in times of success," well, I really don't think he's a good man. Don't worry, Xiang Yu's nothing like an angel, but I will portray his reasoning soon enough.


	4. Anger Management

Chapter 4: Anger Management

"I WANT TO KILL SOMETHING!" Lu Bu screamed at the diggers who were frantically doing what they could to get more air, since soon enough the brown biohazard would finally overcome the tens of thousands of people hiding in these cramped caverns.

The diggers began to sweat threateningly and smacked the wall with their pickaxes and shovels.

Like that would do them any good. Chen Gong sighed as Lu Bu raised his halberd.

"LET ME KILL SOMETHING!" Lu Bu yelled at the diggers, who were too terrified to move.

At that moment, Lu Bu roared and charged, and Jia Xu, Chen Gong, Guo Jia, Zhang Liao, Chen Tai, and several other Wei officers closed their eyes as Lu Bu ripped through the digger's lines and killed every single one of them. Single-handedly, he continued to bore through the rock with his slashes, eventually completing the tunnel entirely on his own. Soon enough, Lu Bu emerged on the other side of the river, in the land of Wu...

Slowly the Wei officers began to emerge from their tunnel and they felt so happy as they stepped on Wu's soil, but right in front of them Lu Bu began his rampage, and Guo Jia, for one, was appalled to think that that thing was fighting for Wei...

The moment Lu Bu's feet touched Wu's land, the great warrior smirked. Now it was time for him to kill something, and kill something he would.

There was a small camp of Wu soldiers nearby. Guiding them was a single lieutenant. He had just been promoted a week ago, and felt proud of this accomplishment. Now he could hold the title of "Officer," a title that men like Xu Sheng and Lu Meng shared with him.

But today that title would be stolen from him. Alone, Lu Bu strolled up to the camp and raised his spear. That lieutenant spotted him, along with the rest of the troops, and they were too afraid to raise their own weapons.

Three fleet footed scouts ran for their lives from the camp. They ran to inform their distant comrades of the fact that "Lu Bu has returned."

The Man among Men raised his spear...

And the thirty or so soldiers of the camp raised their swords, shivering all the while.

And Lu Bu ran among them, swinging that spear and laughing as arms and legs flew everywhere.

* * *

But one scout ran a bit faster than the others, and suddenly found himself still. He continued trying to run, but didn't move, and glanced at his shoulder.

A heavy hand was on his shoulder, keeping him from moving. A single glance up that arm caused that soldier to jump in shock.

"A warrior does not run from the fight, when he hasn't made a single move to stop the enemy. I see no wounds or even signs of struggle on you. Why are you running so fast, soldier?" Xiang Yu asked, his eyebrow raised in interest.

"It's Lu Bu, my lord! Lu Bu has come to kill us all!"

"Lu Bu? And who's that?" Xiang Yu shrugged his shoulders.

The soldier began to shake. Here he was, standing before the King of Chu himself. Lord Sun Ce called himself the Little Conqueror, but, here, the Great Conqueror was standing before him. (1.)

"He's known as the Man among Men... Everyone feared him for so long... And now he's returned!" The soldier stammered.

"Even the people of Jiang Dong? Hmn... No one terrorizes my homeland as long as I'm still around! Go back to Capital Jian Ye, soldier, and tell Lord Sun Jian that I'll be a little busy." Xiang Yu nodded as he walked off.

The soldier blinked for a second, then smiled. "Go kick his ass, my King!"

"Gladly." Xiang Yu called back with a smile. Lu Bu was about to learn a very painful lesson on not to underestimate the might of Jiang Dong.

* * *

Lu Bu ran about, laughing as the corpses he slashed were killed too fast, so fast that they couldn't scream. He continued to hack at these bodies until his skin was red, covered in those warrior's blood.

As he ran about, laughing at the sight of blood raining down on him, he didn't notice another object heading straight for his head:

The blade of a halberd.

Lu Bu suddenly waved his spear upward, and Xiang Yu's halberd slammed into it. Lu Bu found himself getting pushed back quite a few meters before he finally threw Xiang Yu off, and the silver-armored warrior landed on his feet before the Man among Men.

"Who the hell are you? Ah, well, doesn't matter. I'll kill ya anyways." Lu Bu chuckled.

"I guess you wouldn't know what the hell a history book is, huh? Have you heard of Liu Bang?"

"Who's he?"

"Or maybe Han Xin?"

"I dunno any of those guys. Maybe I killed them?"

"They died four hundred years before you were even born."

"Huh? Oh..." Lu Bu stared at Xiang Yu blankly.

Xiang Yu smirked. "Fine, I'll just say this. There once was a man who struck fear into the hearts of all those who would face him in combat. Han Xin, the General who was the reason why Liu Bang was able to create the Han Dynasty, once called him Invincible. That man is Xiang Yu, King of Chu."

"So... What's the point?" Lu Bu shrugged his shoulders as he raised his halberd.

Xiang Yu smirked. "Ever wonder when someone would kick your ass?"

"No one can kick my ass." Lu Bu replied, his face covered with a confused look.

At that comment Xiang Yu suddenly sprang forward and swung his halberd down at Lu Bu's head. The blow struck Lu Bu's helmet and caused the warrior to stagger back about a yard before he finally regained his balance.

"That... I'm gonna kill you..." Lu Bu growled as he raised his spear.

"You've done too much damage to the people of Jiang Dong already. Now it's time for me to teach you to go back to wherever you came from, or I'll have to slowly rip you apart!" Xiang Yu twirled his own as he prepared himself for Lu Bu's charge.

And charge he did. Lu Bu, infuriated that someone could actually stun him with one blow, twirled his legendary Crescent Halberd and rushed at Xiang Yu, hoping to kill this jackass before he'd be able to counter the attacks of the Man Among Men.

Blow after blow, Lu Bu struck and Xiang Yu countered. The two spears were swinging so fast that it looked as though both men were creating silver and grey tornadoes that were smacking into each other. Whatever Wu soldier who was still alive was gawking at this intense sight, and the constant ringing of the clash of Halberds didn't help any either.

Finally, a cracking sound filled the air as shrapnel from both men's armor started to fly everywhere. For a moment, Xiang Yu's eyes widened as he saw a few nearby Wu troops coming to reinforce him and watch the fight get greeted in the face by these small armor plates. The plates flew and stabbed through their eyes and noses, and they screamed while blood ran down the front sides of their bodies. Though he'd fought many battles and tore apart many a man with his blades, the sight of a comrade getting ripped apart due to his own carelessness was something Xiang Yu couldn't bare to watch.

With both their armor becoming absolutely useless, Xiang Yu and Lu Bu leapt back and decided to adjust their stances for a second. "Why won't you die?!" Lu Bu growled as he raised his weapon.

Xiang Yu sighed. "How many times do we have to swing at each other before you'll leave this place and never return?"

"Well, once I kill you all, I'll go somewhere else to kill stuff." Lu Bu replied.

At this Xiang Yu's eyebrow twitched. "Then I guess I'll have to kill you in order to protect my people. Soon enough you'll learn that you never deserved the title of Man Among Men!" The King of Chu charged at the legendary warrior, who sprang forward in kind.

Another blow struck, and another blow countered, and soon enough Lu Bu was getting confused. No one, not even Guan Yu was able to hold his own against Lu Bu, and yet here Lu Bu was, facing an opponent as strong as him. How was this possible? How could there be one ass that Lu Bu couldn't kick? It didn't make any sense at all.

Xiang Yu scoffed. Jiang Dong should be afraid of no man as long as Xiang Yu himself were still alive, but since Lu Bu was this powerful, then perhaps his hometown had a right to be afraid...

The men of Wu were awestruck at the sight, and the men of Wei joined them. To think that two warriors such as these actually were alive fighting before them was a sight of the ages.

"I'll get us some tea. We'll be here for a while..." Guo Jia offered.

"And miss the show, that's unlike you, Fengxiao." Cao Cao pointed out, and Jia Xu looked confused.

"Well, it doesn't look like either will win any time soon." Guo Jia sighed as he went off.

"He's got a point." Jia Xu mumbled as he turned back to watch the duel.

* * *

With a final swing, Xiang Yu caught Lu Bu on the ear, and the warrior was thrown several feet away.

"I guess we will finally see a victor." Guo Jia smirked, noting the morning dew settling on his shoulder.

"Zzzzz..." Chen Gong snored. Fights like this were rather boring when one sees them every day.

Cao Cao rubbed his eyes. "I guess Lu Bu just won't be able to prove to Xiang Yu that he's enough of a threat to Wu."

Lu Bu growled. "What was that, coward?! I thought you'd fight me like a man!"

Xiang Yu laughed. "So I guess you don't know what wiles are, hmn?"

Lu Bu blinked. "CHEN GONG!"

Chen Gong was roused awake. With a yawn, he called back to his lord. "Huh?"

"What's he talking about?"

"I'm not listening."

"What?! Then how can I...? Um..." Lu Bu didn't know what to say.

"Just give up already, or will I have to cut you into a few pieces to make you stop?"

Lu Bu gritted his teeth, but Cao Cao yelled. "If you want more payments, then stand down, Fengxian!"

Lu Bu snorted and lowered the Crescent Halberd. Xiang Yu lifted his spear and stabbed the butt of it into the ground. "Cao Cao? So you're the man who Lord Zhou Yu crushed at Chi Bi."

Cao Cao gave a tired sigh. "Yes... Now, I would like to speak to you, lord Xiang Yu."

"I do not wish to talk to men who would stab me in the back and hurt my homeland and its people. I have nothing to say to you."

Guo Jia sighed. "Lord Xiang Yu, it is in Wu's best interest to ally with Wei."

Xiang Yu smirked. "I appreciate the fact that you remember my days as King of Chu, but I no longer hold that title. Why don't you and your crowd talk to Lord Sun Jian, Cao Cao? I'll escort you."

"Very well. Lu Bu, stand down or I won't pay you any more." Cao Cao smirked.

"Fine..." Lu Bu sighed, and his feathers dropped low as he trudged along with the rest of Wei's army.

And so, the ragtag men of Wei, with Xiang Yu guiding them, headed for Capital Jian Ye.

* * *

1. Sun Ce is known as the Xiao Ba Wang, or Little Conqueror. That name is derived from the Chu Ba Wang (King of Chu, or Great Conqueror of Chu). The Chu Ba Wang is Xiang Yu, thus, I'll leave it up to your own imagination to consider how great Xiang Yu really is.


	5. Chicken Problems

Chapter 5: Chicken Problems and the Beginnings of a Coalition (1.)

"Squawk!" With another fling of its wings, five battalions of Shu's troops were sent flying by the giant Chicken.

"We won't be able to hold the line for much longer..." Zhang Yi mumbled.

"General... Our soldiers are being thrown aside like toys, and every sixth one gets eaten by this chicken. We must retreat!" The Shu lieutenant in charge of the formation quivered in his boots.

"No... We cannot retreat. This battle must be won, or that chicken will overrun all of Shu's southern positions, and capital Chengdu will be threatened. We must protect our nation and our capital at all costs!" Zhang Yi spoke as he stabbed the butt of his spear into the ground.

* * *

The ships bob aimlessly as Wu's sailors and technicians run about frantically. Though the killer whales ate every vessel outside Jian Ye's harbor, they were smart enough to avoid the harbor itself. It's overflow of people meant that spears and arrows would be in abundance, after all.

Zhou Yu stood uneasily on one of those idle warships. His fingers tapped incessantly on the ship's railing as he thought of a plan... They had to find a way to take out those orcas... Somehow...

* * *

"Prime minister, that repulsive chicken has been spotted by our scouts. Shall we make our move?" Jiang Wei offered, bouncing up and down.

"No."

"No?" Jiang Wei's face drooped down like a puppy who was promised a bone that was immediately thrown a mile away after it did what was asked of it.

"No. Not yet. Bring me to the front." Kongming absent-mindedly waved his fan.

And so, Kongming's wheelchair clattered over to Zhang Yi's side.

"Sir, if that chicken gets any closer, we'll have to open fire." Zhang Yi gulped as Kongming stopped beside him.

"A veteran General like you need not be worried. I speak perfect Chicken." Kongming smirked.

As he rose from his wheelchair, Kongming yelled the following:

"Squwak! Sqwaak! Cluck. Cluck."

Stamping his foot, he added: "Squwak cluck cluck cluck cluckk caw caw cluck!"

Zhang Yi and Jiang Wei exchanged blank stares. The Chicken, for its part, gave Kongming a surprised glance, and replied:

"Squawk. Squwak! Cluck ccluucck SQUWAK! Caw! Caw! Squwak. Cock a doodle doo!"

Kongming's face turned pale. "Cluuck...?" He spoke timidly.

The Chicken stamped its foot on the ground. "Cluuck? SQUUAWK!" With a laugh, it added: "Squwakk."

Kongming immediately turned to his troops. "Fire at will, men! If not, then we shall all perish!" And with that, he jumped into his wheelchair. "Jiang Wei, push me back to the north, quickly! Hurry up, dammit!"

Jiang Wei and the other troops exchanged confused glances as they ran about. What exactly did the chicken say to get Kongming so terrified?

* * *

A horse smashed its way into the halls of castle Chengdu, and Liu Bei, who happened to be undergoing private activities with Lady Gan, was definitely not amused. With an annoyed face, Liu Bei stood and yelled at the rider. "What the hell are you doing?!"

"My lord! The Giant Chicken has crushed the Prime Minister's unit! Our forces are fleeing into the southern posts at Zhu Ti and Jiang Yang!"

"You mean to tell me that Yue Juan and the entire province of Jiao Zhou is no longer mine?! Blast it! Why did I hire Zhuge Liang anyway?!" Liu Bei groaned.

"Um... Dear... Shu would not exist if you didn't hire Zhuge Liang." Lady Gan spoke timidly.

"Oh... Right... Heh, I almost fired my best advisor. Ok, then. Send reinforcements to Zhu Ti, and have them try their best to hold off the Chicken." Liu Bei ordered, and the rider withdrew.

* * *

Sun Quan continued to cry in a corner of the Wu palace. "I can't be an Emperor anymore, and daddy, useless as he is, is the new Emperor... My life isn't worth living anymore."

Sun Shang Xiang shook her head. "Serves you right, you arse." She sighed.

Sun Jian and Sun Ce sat on their imperial chairs when Xiang Yu came strolling in.

"Ah, Xiang Yu, what would you like to say?" Sun Jian spoke. Since Xiang Yu had defeated Lu Bu in combat, he was easily Wu's best warrior and thus Jian decided to talk to him on nearly equal terms... And as the King of Chu it wasn't like he was any low rank to begin with.

"The King of Lies and his ministers would like to speak to you, Lord Sun." Xiang Yu nodded and stepped aside as Cao Cao, Guo Jia, and the rest of Wei's officers were ushered in.

"Lord Sun Jian..." Cao Cao nodded his head. "These are times of great torment for China. The flying pigs have annihilated the central plains, and therefore the people of North China greatly need your assistance. You have the wise Zhou Yu, the brave Sun Ce, the mighty Xiang Yu, and the beautiful Qiaos serving under you... Why not use their combined talents to help us?"

Shangxiang raised an eyebrow. Was this creep implying that her sister in law Da Qiao and Xiao Qiao could use their beauties to seduce enemy troops or something?

Sun Jian, however, nodded. "I see. So you want an alliance with us to save your sorry hides."

Cao Cao's face turned pale, but Guo Jia bowed low. "Yes, that is exactly what we're saying, my lord."

"What?!" Cao Cao hissed, but Guo Jia waved him off.

"Be quiet and let daddy do the work." The strategist shook his head.

"By what Generals Cheng Pu and Zhou Yu have told me, too often you turn your back on your allies. Now you know how I still have a grudge towards Han Xin for backstabbing me, even if it was mostly my own fault. However you backstabbed several people and it wasn't their fault. Why should we trust you?" Xiang Yu raised an eyebrow.

"A fine question, General..." Cao Cao stammered.

"King." Zhang Zhao corrected from behind Sun Jian as he absent-mindedly waved his fan.

"Sorry, King." Cao Cao bowed.

"So, are you going to answer his question?" Zhang Zhao asked with a raised eyebrow.

Xiahou Dun growled softly. "You're just so smug because you have Sun Ce and Xiang Yu watching your back... If neither of them were here I'd rip your spine out in seconds..."

Cao Cao glanced at Guo Jia. "Um... Back me up, please?"

Guo Jia smiled. "Great King of Chu, Emperor Sun Jian, we are well aware of the reputation we have unfortunately earned in the past, yet you must know the saying 'united we stand, divided we fall,' or the saying 'when the lips are gone the teeth are cold.' Today these flying pigs, that chicken, and those whales who have ruined your economy are all ganging up on the Three Kingdoms. Since we have not contacted Shu at the moment, it is in our best interest to unite against this common feral enemy. They are animals, literally, while we are Chinese people. They have chosen to make war with us, so, as Chinese, we shall unite to defend ourselves!"

Xiang Yu glanced at Sun Jian. "We can always just surround and kill them if we have to." He spoke loudly.

"I agree." Sun Shangxiang nodded.

"Meh, it's always better to make alliances than enemies." Sun Ce added.

"But we can't surrender..." Zhang Zhao frowned to himself.

"Very well. The nation of Dong Wu shall ally with the nation of Da Wei. Once we get Shu Han to help us, we'll become a coalition overnight!" Sun Jian raised the ancestral sword, and Cao Cao raised the sword of trust, and both men clashed their swords together, symbolizing their newly made, uneasy friendship.

* * *

1. Because we all know that this is a parody of two things: Warriors Orochi, and the old Chinese opera: Guan Yu VS Qin Qiong. Qin Qiong was a general of Tang (or so I hear) and Guan Yu is Guan Yu. Tang Dynasty happened centuries after the Sima Jin Dynasty was destroyed, so it would be impossible for them to meet and/or fight. That's why Xiang Yu, Han Xin, etc. were put in place of Qin Qiong, to make this a parody of that too.


	6. The Horse People

Chapter 6: The Horse People

Despite having joined the Shu army, Zhang Liang found life rather boring.

Instead of asking him to advise the soldiers in the front lines, the cocky Liu Bei ordered him to take care of internal affairs instead. Zhang Zifang was asked to take care of the populace and tell them that everything would be alright, and so on.

But Zhang Liang was a military strategist! Work like this was just busy work for him! People like Ma Liang, who were paid in order to have them take care of internal affairs should be the ones assigned with such tasks, not him.

The giant Chicken was devastating the Shu lines to the south, yet Liu Bei chose not to ask Zhang Liang to help. What was he thinking? Did he really want a giant chicken to destroy Han's last stronghold?

* * *

Xiang Yu grunted as he watched Gan Ning and Xiahou Yuan spar.

"To think that those crushed by pigs would have to flee to Jiangdong, and Jiangdong would shelter them! What's the world coming to?" He sighed.

"Don't talk so loud, commander, or this 'alliance' of ours will come to naught." Fan Zeng laughed as he strolled by.

"And yet you're the one laughing." Xiang Yu scoffed.

"Just wait, commander. For now, we must ally with Wei. These feral foes will give us no quarter, and with Wei's warriors on our side Jiangdong will prevail." Fan Zeng replied with a more serious face.

"I can only hope they won't betray us on the first opportunity." Xiang Yu sighed.

* * *

"Master Zifang, it seems that Dong Wu has sent an envoy. Since Prime Minister Kongming is not here, would you mind speaking to him?" Zhao Yun strolled into Zhang Liang's study and bowed.

"Wait... First of all, why is Liu Bei ordering you to do such a simple task, General?" Zhang Liang blinked.

"Because Liu Bang told him to. Said it _builds character_." Zhao Yun groaned. "I wonder why Xuande chooses to listen to the guy."

"I guess he thinks that age makes wisdom... But I'll talk to the man. If we ally with Wu we can counter the chicken a lot easier with their fire tactics. They probably want me to help them brainstorm for a way to take out those whales." Zhang Liang nodded.

* * *

"Brother, the humans have begun to stand together. We cannot let this happen. Once the human nations unite, their combined forces will use strategies that we have not yet predicted. We might be outwitted despite the fact that we outnumber them." Sir Snortalot neighed. (1.)

"Then stop them with everything it takes. We cannot let those humans control this beautiful land. I would rather our pig allies bomb these fields till they turn brown then let those humans desecrate them." Seabiscuit replied.

"Understood. In Hay we trust."

"Aye, in Hay we trust."

* * *

Zhang Liang and Zhuge Liang, two of China's greatest minds, were serving the same side. Yet, they found themselves in very different circumstances at the moment.

"Dammit! Where are my reinforcements?!" Kongming screamed as the Chicken ate another one of his catapults.

"I understand. Rest assured that Shu will never betray Wu. We both must defend our people from the animalistic horde... We must liberate Wei from Pig and Horse rule. Only then can we stand proudly as triumphant human beings." Zhang Liang nodded before the Wu minister.

Clearly, Liu Bei had each man performing the wrong duty. Yes, Kongming was a decent strategist. Yes, Zhang Liang was a decent politician, but, if anything, Kongming was Liu Bei's best politician, and Zhang Liang was Liu Bei's best strategist. To have them not do what they were best at was a very stupid decision.

But Liu Bei obviously didn't know that.

The Chicken, for its part, was quite happy with Xuande's decisions.

And the soldiers under Kongming only wished they had a ballista as big as an elephant... With such small-scale ranged weapons and artillery, there really wasn't much they could do against the Giant Chicken.

But after a few hours (and after having eaten every single piece of artillery in Kongming's arsenal), the Chicken mysteriously retreated, leaving Kongming and his troops holing themselves in whatever makeshift cover they could find. After all, if they left the safety of shelter, they would get eaten.

_Four Li ahead:_ (2.)

"Cluck. Cluck squawk squawk. Sqwaaaakk..." The Chicken nodded to a hooded bump on the side of the road.

"Good. Comrade, as long as you keep the Shu forces busy, the Wei and Wu armies will be unable to strike. Remember what our purpose is, and know that we of the Horse shall never betray you. Once we crush the humans, you can have all the worms or corn or food you desire."

"Cluccckkk..." The Chicken bowed its head, and the hooded bump galloped away, towards the north. One can only wonder why Shu forces never noticed such a strange thing moving along.

* * *

"Lord Zhang Liang? Huh, I guess you were somehow revived as well." Fan Zeng spoke as Zhang Liang entered the Wu guest room.

Like Kongming before him, Zifang found that he had to personally visit Wu in order for Shu's cause to be heard, and finding an old foe like Fan Zeng was a surprise.

"Fan Zeng." Zhang Liang nodded, and smiled. "So I take it that Xiang Yu was revived too."

"Yes I was." The warrior spoke, startling Han's first Prime Minister.

"Speak of Cao Cao and he comes! Lord Xiang Yu, it's... Er... An honor to see you in person once again." Zhang Liang twitched. One wrong word and he might have his head chopped off.

To his surprise, Xiang Yu smiled cordially and returned the greeting. "The honor is mine. With you here, Jiangdong will certainly not fall before the might of those... Beasts..." Xiang Yu nodded, his teeth grinding on that last word.

Zhang Liang noted his anger. Xiang Yu was always known to be very passionate about his homeland. "Yes, those animals have destroyed Wei and are coming down to strike us. But it's a good thing that you are here. With a warrior like you in our ranks we can be sure that the enemy will not find us easy targets."

Xiang Yu smiled. "It's a pity, Lord Zifang. When we were "alive" we served as sworn foes... Only when China is at its worst can we actually be revived to fight side by side. If only we could have started out as friends."

Zhang Liang shrugged his shoulders. "Had you treated Han Xin well, we might have seen a different outcome. I know for a fact, though, that Lord Liu Bang would be enraged to see you alive and in good health... But I'll make sure he understands the necessity of our alliance. At any rate, it was nice talking to you. I'm afraid I can't stay any longer, but rest assured that I'd be more and happy to sit over a cup of tea." With that Zhang Liang smiled and left, leaving Fan Zeng and Xiang Yu staring at each other.

"Good work. He doesn't hate you now. A man with Zhang Liang's talents is a crucial ally. I'm glad that you didn't let personal grudges get in the way of a coalition." Fan Zeng nodded.

"What use is there for grudges when there are horrible things happening to our siblings? Still, I can only hope I can recruit Zhang Liang from Liu Bang's side. I hope I can find Han Xin, for then we can actually re-recruit him to our banner. With you, Zhang Liang, and Han Xin, Jiangdong will be safe forever more." Xiang Yu struck a dramatic pose with his halberd.

* * *

Han Xin shook his head.

The supposed champions of Shu Han, the last stronghold Han had in this world, were besieged by a giant Chicken. Yes, A Giant Chicken, of all things.

The only thing that could be more humiliating for his life's work was if the Emperor of Shu Han would strip naked and dance in front of Wu troops as an attempt to maintain an alliance between both states.

At any rate, it was time for him to act. And act he would.

* * *

Throughout the land, the horse people readied themselves. The humans were beginning to create a coalition, and their whale allies and the Giant Chicken could only do so much against them, without support, that is. They had to rise and save this land from being tainted further by those despicable humans! With their flying pig air support, something that the humans did not have a suitable counter for, they were certain to win if they struck now.

Gathering arms, the horse people began to make their move. Only time would tell if they, or the humans, were destined to win.

* * *

1. We're dealing with animals. Unhygienic animals that can talk. I'm not being dead serious here. :P

2. A "Li" is the ancient Chinese measure for distance.


	7. Heroes Converge

Gasp! No update in four months?! Well, rest assured, people. I was having problems coming up with ideas to link up plot bits that I had in mind for this fic, and lo and behold, I came up with them. Expect updates MUCH more frequently, and thanks for your support!

Chapter 7: Heroes Converge

"It is in times like these, when all hope seems lost, that we witness acts of unbelievable valor and unspeakable barbarity. Xi Han's founder, Emperor Liu Bang himself, had utilized the talents of men like Lord Zifang and Han Xin, and with their minds he carved out an empire from what was once the mighty empire of Qin. In an age shortly before that, Qin Shihuang slaughtered countless people in the name of order, and though he achieved that order, many still wince at the thought of his crimes. Even in both eras, we Chinese had seen unity and enjoyed it for some time. Thus, it's sad that after all these years, China has fallen apart, and now the rise of these animals and their endless attacks on us has only added more fuel to the fire.

"But this does not mean that hope has left us. Lord Zifang, since you have come from the west, it's clear that Shu is willing to stand beside us once more. With the combined might of Wu, Shu, and Wei, we should be able to stand a chance against these feral legions. But it looks like we get more than just our current heroes. The very fact that Zhang Zifang, Master Strategist for the formation of Xi Han, stands beside us today is proof that the heroes of old have come. The fact that His Majesty Xiang Yu is among our warriors shows that Heaven has thought well enough of us to send our greatest veterans, men who lived so many centuries ago, to the field.

"Stand tall, warriors of China, stand proud and smile in spite of these horrible circumstances. I may sound like that lunatic Zhang Jiao, but Heaven is on our side! Heaven has sent us our legendary champions and it is clear that Heaven does not want us to fail! Let us liberate China from these inhuman claws. Let us stand as one in spite of our political ideals or the disorderly nature of our respective ambitions. Let us march as one."

With that said, Zhou Yu stabbed his sword into the ground, and as the wind blew, sending his hair flying wildly to the left, many of Wei's soldiers felt rather intimidated, while the warriors of Wu cheered.

"He tries to be a smooth talker, but I wonder if there's any brain behind that fancy tongue." Jia Xu snickered, along with Sima Yi and Cheng Yu.

Guo Jia just smiled. "Do keep in mind that Zhou Yu outwitted all three of you at Chi Bi. It was a pity that illness took my life shortly before that battle, otherwise I might have been able to help."

"That's right!" Cheng Yu snarled and turned to Jia Xu. "You were the master strategist of our forces then, and yet you failed to recognize the dangers of those chains. Even I petitioned to our lord, though he failed to listen because you advised him not to worry."

Sima Yi waved his fan. "If we continue arguing like this, then Zhou Yu and Lu Xun will have many reasons to laugh at us. No, we should instead plan strategies to help take down those animals first, then we can deal with those imbeciles in Wu."

"I wonder how they are imbeciles when they made our forces look like fools, Zhongda." Guo Jia sighed. If anything, it was his colleague's mutual arrogance that would lead to Wei's demise.

* * *

Xiang Yu and Lu Bu sat on the opposite ends of a table, each man grabbing tightly onto the other's hand.

"Now!" Cao Zhang, the referee, yelled as the two began an arm wrestling match.

"Hmn? Why aren't you two bashing each other's brains out?" Lu Xun wondered aloud as he approached them. Though Lu Bu wasn't someone to be trusted, Boyue knew that, with Xiang Yu and Cao Zhang as a buffer, it was quite unlikely that he'd get killed.

"Shh…" Cao Zhang warned. "Xiang Yu made the advice that it would be smarter to prove their manliness through non-fatal competitions like these instead of an armed sparing match. If either of them were to die our mission would be compromised, right?"

"Well." Lu Xun rubbed his chin. "You're right. The two of them are our best fighters, after all."

"Took you long enough. I thought you were a glorious strategist. Even I figured that out in a few seconds without asking."

Lu Xun laughed. "Well… I guess I just lack some common sense."

Cao Zhang smirked. Lu Xun was as humble as usual.

Lu Bu snarled as his hand began to overtake Xiang Yu's, and slowly Xiang Yu's arm seemed to be drooping.

But, moments afterwards, the King of Chu grunted and Lu Bu's hand slammed onto the table, with the "Man among Men" letting out a roar of frustration.

"How did I lose?! I was just about to bring your arm down!"

Xiang Yu smiled. "Ask Chen Gong. He can explain to you what I did."

Lu Xun stroked his chin. Xiang Yu might fail in politics, but he did have a sense of tactics. Then again, there was a reason why Han Xin once called him invincible.

* * *

The great General of Xi Han entered the city of Chengdu, disguised, of course.

Beside him was Han's first Empress, Lu Zhi.

"Milady, we have to act like a couple or else our cover will be blown… If the people realize that we're alive, then, like Xiang Yu, we'll draw too much attention." Han Xin whispered.

"Very well, General. You're lucky that I trust you enough, given how you were executed for treason." She chuckled. (1.)

"Stop speaking of such things, milady, and I swear that your husband miscalculated. You're lucky that I'm still serving you after your husband's betrayal." His eyes narrowed.

"Fair enough." The woman nodded with a sigh.

Han Xin rolled his eyes. To think that someone like her was the wife of Liu Bang was to be a merciful joker. Then again, Liu Bang was idiotic enough to betray him in the first place. But with Zhang Liang currently a major part of the allied army, there was no doubt that Han Xin would personally be welcomed into that army with open arms.

However, he was not a fool, not like Xiang Yu. To let the enemy know of his existence would be devastating if they wanted the element of surprise. The animals were about to attack: he could almost smell their approach. Thus, he had to catch them off guard and destroy as many as possible. No matter how wise Zhang Liang was, he couldn't do this alone.

Even with decent strategists like Sima Yi and Zhou Yu by his side, Zhang Zifang simply was not tactical enough to handle such a large and powerful army, at least in Han Xin's eyes. (2.) To ask for China's reunification was to ask for the greatest general China had ever known. No doubt someone like Zhou Yu was capable of holding back a significant number of these monsters, but in Han Xin's eyes he himself could destroy all of them.

And he would make good that boast.

* * *

In the city of Baidicheng, Shu's border city on the edge of Wu, Zhang Liang, Zhuge Liang, Zhou Yu, and Zhang Zhao, the four main officers of Shu Han and Dong Wu, had decided to discuss terms for their allied forces. Various advisors of Shu, Wei, and Wu also stood around them to listen and provide them with additional ideas.

Of course, Guo Jia and Xun Yu, the Wei counterparts of those four minds, were also there, but since Wei barely existed as a state they had a much softer voice in this mater.

"As Prime Minister of Xi Han, and noting my victories over His Majesty Xiang Yu, I believe that it is prudent for me to assume the rank of Master Strategist in this united campaign. Any objections?" Zhang Liang asked.

"None, sir." Kongming nodded.

"He who objects to your post is foolish, considering your achievements." Zhou Yu added.

Everyone else just nodded.

"In that case, Zhou Yu, you are our Supreme Admiral. I trust no one speaks out against this?" Zhang Liang smirked.

Sima Yi's eyebrow twitched, and he immediately began to wave his head.

"Oh, you have something to say?" Zhuge Liang chuckled.

"You are showing obvious favoritism to that pretty boy, Lord Zifang. Simply because he voiced his admiration for you does not mean that he deserves to be given such a critical rank immediately." Sima Yi raised his head to give Zhou Yu a proud glance.

Zhang Liang just laughed. "No, it does not. But tell me, who was the mastermind at Chi Bi?"

"Me!" Kongming spoke up.

"No, you weren't…" Zhao Yun, who basically counted as a strategist as Shu had few concrete examples (besides Fa Zheng and Jiang Wei).

"Yep, he wasn't… I might not have been there but take one look at the battle record and it's obvious." Fa Zheng added.

Kongming glared at them. So much for being on the same team.

Jiang Wei glared at the pair. "Stop bullying the Prime Minister!"

At that point Zhang Zhao growled: "Can we just get back to the issue at hand? Zhongda, who do you believe is more qualified to be Supreme Admiral?"

Sima Yi just gave him a rare blank stare. "I… Er… I'd say Lu Xun?"

"Sorry, I decline." Lu Xun waved his hands. "I'd say my teacher is more qualified than me."

"Seconded." Jia Xu smirked at Sima Yi.

"And I agree. Does anyone else in Wei disagree with Gongjin's appointment?" Guo Jia turned to his colleagues. Since no one else spoke up for him, Sima Yi just groaned.

Zhuge Liang glanced at his rival. This day was a bad one for both of them.

"General Xiang Yu shall serve as our Grand General. Does anyone object?" Zhang Liang spoke aloud.

Lu Bu turned to Chen Gong. "Um, what does that last word mean again?"

Chen Gong facepalmed. "Master Zifang, my lord disagrees with your appointment."

Xiang Yu just kept his mouth shut and glanced at Zhang Liang. How would he respond?

"Oh? Would you like to nominate yourself, then, Lu Bu?" Zhang Liang shrugged his shoulders.

Lu Bu just glanced at Chen Gong with a blank expression, and the strategist sighed.

"No, he would not… He retracts his statement. Moving on…"

"Chen Gong…" Lu Bu started to grab his strategist and shake him. "What are they talking about?"

Chen Gong just sighed. "I'll tell you later."

"Why not tell me now?"

"Because we're in a meeting."

"Well, if I don't get what's going on, then this meeting is stupid."

"If anything, you're the imbecile here." Sima Yi spoke aloud.

Jia Xu was about to backhand his subordinate, but Lu Bu got to him first.

"You're calling me stupid?!"

"I, um… Yes." Sima Yi blurted out.

"You're calling me stupid?!" Lu Bu grabbed Sima Yi's throat and began to crush it.

Kongming could barely contain his laughter as his rival flailed about, begging for mercy in sign language before finally passing out.

* * *

1. Historically it is said that she's the one who conspired against Han Xin in the first place, though he isn't aware of this, obviously.

2. As the author, in my eyes there are only two strategists that can compare to Han Xin: Guo Jia and Zhou Yu. Guo Jia did little in comparison to Gongjin because he died too quickly and his situation wasn't nearly as desperate as Gongjin (as Guandu was Cao Cao and Xun Yu's brainchild, not Guo Jia's, and Yuan Shao is far more incompetent than Cao Cao as a commander), and for that Han Xin does not recognize Fengxiao yet. Trust me, by the end of this fic, he surely will.


	8. First Strike

Chapter 8: First Strike

Zhang Liang let out a deep sigh.

It had taken forever to pry Lu Bu off of Sima Yi. Even Ma Chao, Xiang Yu, and Guan Yu's combined strength wasn't enough to keep Lu Bu from ripping Zhongda to shreds.

But now they'd finally set up everyone's posts, and this united army could engage those animals head on. Hopefully, he had set up the correct chain of command for this particular campaign. With this many people, their notion of authority was bound to get messy.

* * *

"Commander…" Wen Pin rattled his spear as Ma Chao simply continued marching forward.

Ma Chao yawned.

"Commander, I request permission to speak freely, sir." He added.

The hero of Xi Liang gave him an annoyed glance.

The warrior shook his head. "As a General of the Wei army, your disdain for me is duly noted, however I fear that we may be walking into an ambush."

Ma Chao just shook his head. "Ambush slambush, I'll kill anyone who tries to kill me. You just hide behind a ballista or something if that makes you feel safe, pansy."

Wen Pin growled. "I failed to fight for my lord once, and thus I was forced to serve Wei. I will not fail my people, however, so I will fight to the death. But, to have you waste our forces like this makes me question why lord Zifang made you a legion commander." (1.)

Ma Chao grinned. "'Cuz unlike you I can kick major ass."

Wen Pin rolled his eyes.

* * *

Among the other officers under Ma Chao's command, Wei Yan simply kept silent and sniffed around. It was obvious that Ma Chao wasn't thinking at all. Their forces were marching loudly in enemy territory, even though they were well aware of the fact that animals had better hearing than humans in general. They were asking for an ambush, and Wei Yan sighed. If only he could speak properly, he could warn Ma Chao accordingly.

For now, though, he'd have to lead any soldiers who were willing to listen to him away from Ma Chao and the main force once they were attacked, otherwise they'd all die.

"Sir Snortalot ordered us to strike the enemy head on. To think that traitors among our people would be so willing to let these humans use them like… Like walking chairs is so insulting! We will free our brothers from being ridden on! We will make humans our slaves and have them carry heavy loads! Brothers, let us destroy these humans and free our siblings from their reign!" Gold hair, an Arabian stallion, yelled aloud.

Wei Yan blinked, and shared a glance with Wu Yan, the Wu warrior Zifang had ordered to serve under the masked commander, and spoke: "Horse… Neigh?"

Wu Yan nodded. "I think that was a neigh."

Wei Yan shook his head. "Our… Horses… Fine… Right?"

"They should be."

"Then… Why?"

At that moment, a Shu soldier in Ma Chao's unit yelled out: "We're under attack!"

And a legion of centaurs engaged the right flank of Ma Chao's army.

Snortalot sighed.

These centaurs were meant to be cannon fodder. True horse people did not have any part of their bodies that resembled people. Centaurs began to appear shortly after the Feral Confederacy was founded, and Snortalot predicted that they were both a unique species and, in some rare cases, the offspring of his 'happy' horse brothers.

This horse leader wondered why any horse brother would have interest in a human mare, but that really was not his business, was it? As long as these centaurs were willing to die for the good of the animals, well, he was pleased.

* * *

Those centaurs did wonders to crush their foe's morale.

Zhou Yu shook his head. What kind of enemy was lurking in the shadows, plotting their every move?

Based on the record Wen Pin gave Lord Zifang, the enemy had used these 'centaurs,' or horse-like creatures with an upper body that looked strikingly similar to a particularly strong human man, to charge forward and strike Ma Chao's unit in a pincer maneuver. Since Ma Chao had his lines spread out like a long row of wheat, which was already a very stupid move, the enemy easily tore his formation to shreds, separating chunks of his soldiers from each other.

The fact that Ma Chao and his officers were still breathing was a blessing in itself. Though his formation was hacked to pieces and his soldiers were mostly killed off, Ma Chao tore through the enemy lines and escaped. He had left Wen Pin, Wei Yan, and Wu Yan to fend for themselves, but the three commanders were also able to find a way out.

Still, the coalition's first attack on the enemy was a failure, and Zhuge Liang was quite embarrassed at the fact that he was the one who advised Zhang Liang to send the mighty Ma Chao out to crush their foes… That was why the moment he learned that Ma Chao failed in his mission, Kongming slipped away on the pretense of illness.

Sima Yi just shook his head. "Give me Jiang Wei, Lu Xun, Lu Bu, Xiahou Dun, and a few hundred thousand soldiers. I will destroy the enemy and make up for Kongming's failure. You should not have put him in a higher post, Lord Zifang… If anything Kongming should return to base and help us rally the people. It's the only thing he can do, anyway."

Zhang Liang glanced at Zhou Yu, who seemed to be the only person other than himself who was far more competent than his post would imply.

"What do you think of this, Gongjin? You seem to have analyzed the enemy properly, which is why our rescue force actually succeeded in saving our generals."

"Well, I know for a fact that Sima Zhongda is a brilliant man. He is not one to accept a loss easily, and thus he'll fight twice as hard to prove himself better than Kongming. We should deploy him to engage our enemy."

"I knew you'd see things my way, Zhou Yu!" Sima Yi laughed.

"But Zhongda, remember that this foe is nothing you've fought before. You've engaged the Qiangs, an enemy that is twenty times worse than the Shan Yue, so you know how to counter cavalry properly, but these 'centaurs' and talking horses are nothing like typical cavalry soldiers. They may move similarly, but they are far more brilliant strategists. Qiang tribesman are fine tacticians in the plains, but tend to find it difficult to modify their tactics for forest warfare, as you are well aware, but these horses know the land far better than any of us do, and so they will ambush you from every nook and cranny. That is why General Ma Chao was beaten so easily. Don't make the same mistakes." Zhou Yu's eyes narrowed.

"Ha ha ha. You're quite worthy as a leader, Zhou Yu. But I'll make these animals suffer when I strike. Don't worry about me. Once I destroy them all, you should make Zhuge Liang my personal butler or something. It's all he's good for, anyway." Sima Yi smiled.

Zhou Yu sighed. If Zhuge Liang were here, he'd definitely try to strangle his rival right then and there.

Seeing both Zhang Liang and Zhou Yu's distressed faces, Guo Jia spoke. "Knowing Sima Yi, he may very well have completely ignored your advice, Zhou Yu. We have to make countermeasures."

Zhang Liang raised his right eyebrow. "Do you have a plan, Fengxiao?"

Guo Jia smiled. "Of course. If Sima Yi does fail in this mission, well, we should use the fact that the killer whales can no longer stop us from advancing to try to retake Lu Jiang. Perhaps we've been focusing too much on Guang Ling, as that is a Wei city, and it would seem that the enemy cavalry has a much better chance of holding that position. Lu Jiang is a Wu territory, a city in which our primarily Wu based forces will find it much easier to take and hold.

"Retaking Lu Jiang would boost our morale just as greatly as the capture of Guang Ling would, and we'd be able to use its resources to continue a campaign northward… Doubtless we will see the horrors of what those pigs have done, but it would be better for us to have retaken something than to continue throwing our solder's lives away."

"You have a point, Fengxiao." Zhang Liang nodded. "Once we receive word from Sima Yi, we will move out to retake Lu Jiang anyway. If we do not send our forces out now, the enemy will focus their efforts on protecting Guang Ling, and that will draw their strength away from Lu Jiang, which will make retaking that city much easier. Let us pray that Zhongda will be the victor in that skirmish…"

* * *

As Sima Yi's forces marched out, they had no idea that someone was observing their lines.

"Hmn… The army is marching out at double pace, into terrain that has already been contested and proven to be enemy territory. His ally failed in this region, so what makes this commander think he will succeed so easily here? An army that marches too quickly is one that will be tired come time to fight, and a region where a previous invasion was not successful is an area in which you must be very careful. For this commander to disregard both of these critical principles, well, who is he?" Han Xin mumbled as he watched Sima Yi charge towards the same area where Ma Chao was crushed.

"Are you sure you want to move out? There is still a chance for you to find peace, General." An old man muttered as Han Xin watched Sima Yi march towards the enemy position.

"Your arthritis must be getting worse. How can you possibly say such a thing? People say that you are far greater than Zhang Liang ever was, and yet you choose to stand by and watch China crumble under the reign of these beasts? What has happened to you, Master Taigong?"

Jiang Taigong laughed. "I wanted to test your resolve. It was foolish of me to believe that your hate for Liu Bang would keep you from moving forth and saving us all. Young man, you can rest assured that I will help you." (2.)

Han Xin nodded. "Well, let's see how these people do without us to give them pointers…"

* * *

Seabiscuit scoffed.

Those humans had just attacked their positions, only to be crushed by the obviously superior might of the Feral Legion. Even so, Sima Yi, one of the human's more talented commanders, was leading an attack on the very position where they saw defeat.

Were humans really so inferior and stupid that they couldn't see their own defeat?

Still, somehow, a chill went down his furry spine. He could smell it: the victories his animal brothers were enjoying now wouldn't last for long.

* * *

1. When Liu Zong surrendered to Cao Cao, Wen Pin was among Liu Zong's forces. He had resigned in shame, but later went to serve Wei.

2. This is Jiang Taigong. His butchered version is Taigong Wang in Warriors Orochi 2. To assume that Master Taigong would be so arrogant (and be a bishounen when he served China at 80-ish years of age) is to be rather silly indeed. Honestly, putting Sun Wukong and other random people in the game? They should have added Liu Bang, Xiang Yu, Han Xin, and Zhang Liang to make it more Three Kingdoms relevant.

Basically, yeah, Han Xin and Jiang Taigong will join the fray. I want to include as many heroes as possible without making it too confusing, so I won't have everyone join in. (I mean, Yue Fei is playable if you unlock him in ROTK IX, and that's a bit too much as he's from the relatively far future.)

Long Qie: General of Xiang Yu. Fell prey to a lure strategy used by Han Xin.

INT: 45 (Most generals ought to know and recognize the Lure strategy, but since 50 = typical INT I won't be too harsh to him.)

WAR: 80 (I assume Xiang Yu would recognize more talented officers, or give more talented ones more troops to command. The guy had 200,000 soldiers, after all.)

LDR: 80 (Those soldiers wouldn't have so easily died if they didn't trust him.)

POL: 50 (Seems like he could communicate with his soldiers properly, even if he wasn't smart enough to see Han Xin's tactic.)


	9. Taking a Stand

Chapter 9: Taking a Stand

"_Evil is allowed to reign when good men do nothing."_

Han Xin sighed. Those words were so true.

But he felt it best to add a few more words of his own: "But the idiocy of good men only helps evil's cause tenfold."

Case in point...

* * *

Sima Yi cackled as he dreamed of his victory.

These animals would not expect him to attack an area which they had so successfully defended, no? They'd be overconfident, thinking that they could easily pull a second victory.

But all warfare is based on deception, and Zhongda knew that a lucky strike would cripple the animal's morale and lead to a complete and utter victory. He'd have the element of surprise.

This Feral Legion wouldn't know what hit them!

* * *

Han Xin sighed as the Sima Yi unit began fleeing for its dear, precious life.

Sima Yi was not Ma Chao, that was clear. His flanks were well guarded and his formation was sturdy. What Sima Yi failed to realize was that he'd been led into a trap the entire time. The Feral Legion had detected him quickly and had decided to ambush him at the opportune moment, cutting off his supply lines and his form of retreat and surrounding his forces completely. Outnumbered, and out-gunned, the soldiers under Sima Yi simply decided to dash about frantically and try to escape with their lives, without considering the needs of their commander. Zhongda's last minute thinking allowed him to escape unscathed, but he had lost and the Coalition had suffered another defeat.

With lousy Morale, how could any commander hope to make a gambit and think that he'd win?

Han Xin shook his head. Sooner or later he'd have to come in to teach these novices himself.

* * *

Jia Xu sighed as Sima Yi returned, with head bowed and eyes drooping towards the ground. The man who claimed to be Wei's finest strategist had been humbled by the same animals that schooled Ma Chao.

And Wei's other great strategist was quite annoyed at that.

"Master Guo, should we just fire this idiot?" Jia Xu turned to Guo Jia, who smiled and shrugged his shoulders.

"If he came in here shamelessly, I'd say yes. Otherwise, he might redeem himself."

"Redeem himself? Hah! And have us lose another legion of soldiers? We're not at our maximum fighting strength, not even close, and yet he decides to go on another joyride. Well, of course he'll be licked and come crawling back to us for forgiveness!" Jia Xu nearly exploded.

"Calm down. Anger solves nothing, especially in a crisis like this." Zhang Liang spoke.

"I still say you should fire him, Wenhe. He's absolutely useless." Zhuge Liang laughed. (1.)

"And yet you failed as well." Zhou Yu sighed. "To fire any of our more competent strategists is an idiot's move. We must find a plan to save our skins, and firing our brightest would kill us in that regard."

"Thank you, Zhou Yu." Sima Yi looked up and smiled a little.

"Know that if this were a different time and place, I'd be ordering your execution." Zhou Yu stared at Sima Yi grimly.

Zhongda got the message, and slowly backed off.

"Alright, then. So you say that we should calm down and brainstorm. Fine. Does anyone have a seemingly usable idea as of yet?!" Jia Xu groaned. "No? I didn't think so. Instead of spending hours planning while the enemy inches ever closer, I say mobilize now and fortify our perimeter. One who is indecisive or inactive at the critical moment will suffer defeat, mark my words."

"An ill planned defense can easily be paper thin. I suggest we deploy scouts to learn of the enemy's movements so that our defenses can counter their exact strikes." Guo Jia offered.

"Good idea. Would anyone like to volunteer?" Zhang Liang smiled.

"I would." Zhuge Liang and Sima Yi spoke at once, but realizing that the other made that offer made both cringe.

Zhou Yu just glared at them. "Oh, be men and take those duties. You'll finally be able to redeem yourselves that way."

"Oh, they're a long way from that, Gongjin, but at least this time they'll prove themselves to be useful." Jia Xu crossed his arms.

Zhang Liang groaned. His peers would never stop arguing, would they?

* * *

Surprisingly enough, Sima Yi and Zhuge Liang were better spies than field strategists, and soon the Coalition's officers received the best maps and projected attack patterns that the Feral Legions would use.

Even if some maps were covered in suspicious writing like: "he's lying" or "my colleague is an idiot," the maps both strategists produced seemed rather well drawn and detailed.

Even Jia Xu, pragmatic and arrogant as he was, could not deny that these maps were very well done.

As they reviewed the maps, the strategists of China's Coalition decided upon their next move:

They would send troops to guard Jiangxia, as it was clear that the enemy had begun its march upon that city.

The question was, would they make it in time?

* * *

"Commander Guo Huai, we've just lost our forward camp to a pack of these centaurs!"

"What?" Guo Huai shook his head as the Wu scout frantically reported the situation. As a veteran Wei commander he had dealt with many Qiang incursions in the past, and his record at squashing them was quite well set, but these centaurs were barely similar to the Qiang. They were a far stronger foe, and he was not prepared to face them now.

"Give me more details. What is the estimation of the enemy's troop strength?

"No idea, sir."

"No idea?"

"They just came and slaughtered every single soldier they met. If I told you that they numbered around 500,000, would that help your plans any more, sir?"

Guo Huai facepalmed. "All units, gather yourselves at any opening you find. Archers, be ready to fire at whatever charges at us. If we are to survive this, we'll have to fight like cornered rats. We want to be alive to see our allies come to save us, right? Get moving."

* * *

The land shook with the pounding of hooves as Xiang Yu and the other Coalition officers rushed to Jiang Xia's aid.

Even with Guo Huai, a tried Wei commander, guarding the city, the warriors and strategists enroute knew that the Feral Legion would be more than a match for him.

"How would you like to bet that Guo Huai's already been overwhelmed? I'll bet 40 copper coins." Sima Yi spoke up suddenly, startling some of his colleagues.

"2 gold pieces." Jia Xu smirked.

"Coward. That's less than my bet. Anyone else?" (2.)

"Profiting from an ally's defeat is rather cruel, and stupid, because you're expecting us to have to retake the city." Zhang Liang sighed.

"But you can't deny that Guo Huai's not competent enough to win. I bet 3 gold pieces." Zhuge Liang retorted.

"Nice! Maybe I should raise my bet." Sima Yi smirked.

"It's not that big a difference. I'd rather have him surviving anyway. I'll bet 4 silvers that he survives." Zhou Yu added.

"How naïve." Sima Yi laughed. "We'll be making money off of you pretty soon, Zhou Yu."

"It is not wise to participate in this." Zhang Liang pointed out.

"I'd like to bet 5 gold coins that Guo Huai survives and that he succeeds in holding off the enemy. Gongjin won't have any penalty for his bet, either." Guo Jia spoke.

"Favoritism!" Jia Xu growled.

"Wow, and I thought that Zhou Yu was an idiot. You're on, Fengxiao." Sima Yi smiled. "Don't cry when you find us rich on your expense."

"Can we stop talking and ride a bit faster? Jiang Xia might be in ruins and we're too busy arguing over a stupid bet!" Xiang Yu growled, scaring everyone into silence.

* * *

Han Xin smiled as he witnessed the battle of Jiangxia.

Guo Huai was holding his own, somehow, even though he practically lost most of the forward camps in the area. The city of Jiangxia was still in Chinese hands, and that was the most important issue of the day. If he could hold the city for just a few more days, his reinforcements would certainly arrive and the Feral Legion would be driven out.

But then he saw it: A company of Feral troops were heading for his southern flank.

It seemed that a small unit of scouts was encamped near the enemy position, trying to give Guo Huai some more knowledge of the terrain and the situation, but these scouts were so incompetent that they were unaware of their foes advancing on them.

Thus, in order to save China, Han Xin would finally have to strike.

But what would the significance of this little move be?

* * *

1. Jia Xu's style name is Wenhe

2. Since this universe has already been screwed, I can make up my own currency chart.

1 silver piece = 5 copper pieces.

1 gold piece = 15 copper pieces

Of course, with some basic math:

3 silver pieces = 1 gold piece


	10. Champions

Chapter 10: Champions

A young man sat in a field overlooking the Battle of Jiangxia, and with lute in his arms he began to play:

"_Weeeee are the Champions, my friend...._

_Weee'lllll keep on fightin', till the end.....!"_

(In Chinese, of course.)

Lu Bu felt that the choice of music was superb for the occasion.

Having come from the east, the Coalition reinforcements found themselves in the middle of the advancing enemy horde, and thus they tore huge holes through the Centaur lines. Lu Bu rushed at the main army while Xiang Yu hurried for the city's defenses, and as Lu Bu gloriously tore countless limbs off their owners, Xiang Yu went to rescue Guo Huai, or whatever was left of Guo Huai.

Thankfully, Guo Jia won his bet, as Guo Huai had succeeded in holding his position, and the general was understandably overjoyed at seeing Xiang Yu.

"With you here, the city will not fall." Guo Huai bowed before the legendary warrior.

"With you here, the city did not fall. Don't sell yourself short." Xiang Yu smirked.

In the distance, "We Are the Champions" played as Lu Bu continued to rip through countless enemy soldiers.

"It looks like we're secured." Xiang Yu smiled.

What none of them realized was that, to their south, a new foe had arisen that would slowly advance upon their base from behind and crush them where they stood.

* * *

"General! We're so unworthy to be in your presence!" The scouts bowed before Han Xin shortly after he saved their skins.

"Don't thank me, just keep quiet. I can't let the Coalition know that I'm here, otherwise they'll start clamoring and cheering. If you noticed, I killed every last one of those animals because if any one of them got back to their base, they'd know I'm here. We need to catch them off guard if we want to save Jiangxia and the rest of the Coalition."

"Understood!" They saluted him.

"Young man, do you really think that we can defeat the Feral Legion's task force with these numbers?" Jiang Taigong smirked.

"You're not alarmed, so you know that it can be done. I think we see eye to eye, but correct me in mid-march if you think something's wrong. With you here, those beasts are already defeated." Han Xin smiled back.

"I wouldn't say that, but I thank you for your kind words." The older man laughed.

* * *

Disguised as a soldier in Lu Bu's unit, Miao Yu felt her stomach churn as Fengxian hacked another three people to pieces.

She knew that her beloved was probably no better when it came to not tearing people to shreds, but still: Xiang Yu went to save Guo Huai first, while Lu Bu went to slaughter the enemy first. To her, this meant volumes as to the kind of men they were.

And her commander was a fool, she thought. Honestly, did he expect to win just running into the middle of a horde of enemies and hacking away? The Feral Legion might have been intimidated by this move, but they were far from defeated. If anything, they'd come back knowing how to distract him with a mass of weaker units as they sent their elite troops to conquer his base.

But as long as she was here, she had to prevent that from happening. If she were to stumble, a critical Coalition unit would be lost. If she were lost... Then her beloved would likely be much less effective of a commander, and the Coalition would lose its finest warrior, at least its finest champion in her eyes.

* * *

"Without Xiang Yu or Lu Bu, it looks like it will be hard to make any significant campaigns... We need those two for their brute force, though admittedly Xiang Yu is much smarter than Lu Bu or even someone like commander Ling Tong. It's a pity that we can't have the King of Chu here instead of rescuing some territory." Jia Xu groaned as the Coalition's main strategists gathered around a war map. They had wisely stopped at Jiujiang in case Xiang Yu failed to hold back the enemy. They were close enough to help when the going got tough, and far enough to be able to outrun the enemy if their allies at Jiangxia were completely overwhelmed.

"What we really need to do is break the enemy's momentum. We've been losing because we underestimated our enemy. Ma Chao clearly needs to review basic military strategies, but even Master Sima was licked by the Feral Legion. We need to realize that these 'horses' are far more intelligent than we could have ever imagined, and thus we'll have to outsmart them in kind. Based on reports from the survivors of Zhongda's unit's scouts, there are people living in Feral Legion occupied territory. If we can break through them and reach these people, we can acquire more manpower and possibly resources as well." Zhou Yu spoke.

"I see your point, but where are you going with this?" Zhuge Liang asked.

Guo Jia's eyes turned bright. "That's it! Gongjin, are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

Zhou Yu smirked. "The town above the river?"

"Exactly!"

Zhang Liang laughed. "Come on, you two, don't leave us in the dark."

"We..." Guo Jia was so excited that he was about to stutter. "We believe that it is a good idea to strike Lu Jiang now. The Feral Legion has sent a huge amount of troops to take Jiangxia, and I'd like to bet that their defenses of Lu Jiang and perhaps even Shou Chun are much weaker because of that. If we strike Lu Jiang now, we may have a chance at moving northward and rescuing more of China."

"Didn't you make this advice sometime earlier? I guess we were too distracted then..." Jia Xu muttered.

"That's right. Sorry, Fengxiao." Zhang Liang and Zhou Yu gave apologetic bows.

Guo Jia just laughed. "Stop! Stop it, you two. Don't say sorry when there's nothing to be sorry about. How could have have placed that into consideration when our soldiers had no morale to speak of? No, now that our forces are ready to fight once more, we should move out as suggested. Only then can we hope to put a dent in the Feral Legion."

Zhang Liang nodded. "Indeed. Commander Zhou Gongjin, you will be the head of this new operation. Guo Jia, you shall serve as his chief advisor."

"I will lay down my life to see this through." Zhou Yu saluted.

"As will I." Guo Jia did the same. (1.)

* * *

Lu Jiang was a city full of disgusting humans, but it was an important port just the same.

The Feral Legion appointed general Hua Xiong as commanding officer of the region, with Ministers Li Ru and Huang Zu to advise him in daily affairs.

Being the former top strategist for Dong Zhuo, Li Ru scoffed at having such a minor position, but considering the fact that he was working for an Animal faction that slaughtered so many people, he kept his mouth shut and acted as though this rank was an honor. Only a fool would unwittingly anger his mighty master.

Huang Zu may have been an idiot tactician, but he had enough common sense to do the same.

Both minds worked together to make Lu Jiang semi-bearable for survivors to live and work in. As long as they provided labor for the centaurs and horse commanders stationed there, the Feral Legion promised not to kill them all. After all, useful humans shouldn't be killed because they did something productive, even if they were human.

When Zhou Yu's scouts relayed this information to the two strategists, both were very displeased.

"Dear, dear... I thought we'd be fighting only horrible creatures in this battle. To face other Chinese warriors, especially a talent like Hua Xiong, is truly sickening." Guo Jia sorrowfully shook his head.

"And he has Li Ru with him, as if Heaven wants to give us a challenge." Zhou Yu sighed.

"Am I going deaf? Did I just hear the Admiral speak of a challenge as a regretful event? Are you feeling well, Master Gongjin?" Guo Jia smirked.

"Hah." Zhou Yu smiled. "Hardly. I regret that we might end up killing other people in this battle, but the more people we save from the Feral Legion's grasp the stronger we'll be. If there are other communities trapped under their paws, they will surely hear of our victory here and will likely join us when we reach them. We must win here at all costs."

"Right, but don't assume victory just yet. We must be aware of anything that can go wrong so that we can adjust to it, after all." Guo Jia nodded.

* * *

Somehow, the killer whales seemed to love the smell of shrimp. Smashing thousands of the critters into paste, and gathering that paste into globs to be fired from catapults into the water allowed the whales to avoid their vessels for a while. Killer whales weren't stupid, and they knew not to bite the people who'd give them these treats, so the Coalition's navy would not be attacked upon moving out. With this tactic in play, Zhou Yu and his officers could focus on far more important matters. (2.)

With Lu Jiang so close to the great river, the Wu navy would have an easy time wiping out its defenders. Holding it, however, would be the hard part.

But that was where Guo Jia came in. The strategist found his forte in the art of using one or two focused strikes with his units to destroy entire formations. This was not an easy skill, as enemy positions are normally well entrenched and strong. The morale of any decently trained unit would not be easy to crack, but Fengxiao knew just how to break the fighting spirit of any living soldier. Only the rare barbaric meathead or bloodthirsty tiger would be able to survive his machinations.

Zhou Tai and Gan Ning stood side by side as they prepared for an amphibious landing. At best, the Wu navy could help shell enemy positions and ensure that the Feral Legion's attempts to overwhelm the city would be blunted considerably, but even then they had to have quite a few men on the ground in order to hold that position.

Guan Yu came as well, hoping to represent Shu in the battle. With Wei's finest mind as Chief Strategist, and some of Wu's finest officers in this battle, Shu had to send someone valorous enough to at least match the other two faction's contributions. Who better to send than the legendary warrior himself?

* * *

Li Ru scoffed at his scout's report.

"Those troublemakers think they can beat us down without a fight. If we are to survive we cannot fall prey to their foolish naivety. The Feral Legion is destined to take this world, and if we don't make use of their power, we'll only be consumed by it. If you want to live today, men of Lu Jiang, you must stand against those Coalition fools. Stand and fight for our future!" He cried.

But no matter how eloquently Li Ru spoke, his eyes betrayed his inner fears.

Hua Xiong looked worried, but shook his head. "I chose to stand by the Feral Legion, and I don't see how turning from that path would help me or my men at all. Both Ma Chao and Sima Yi, who have chosen to stand by the Coalition, were badly beaten by the Feral Legion. If champions such as they can be defeated so easily, what hope do we have if we change sides? No, let us fight and hold the enemy off long enough for reinforcements to arrive."

Huang Zu shook his head. "I don't think reinforcements are coming... I'd surrender. Zhou Tai and that Wu crowd might not be fond of me, but they'd accept my surrender. If you two sit down for a moment to think and eventually do the same as me, we'd all be able to survive."

The soldiers, hearing all these viewpoints, knew that their lives were doomed no matter what. The Feral Legion obviously cared little for their welfare, and based on Master Sima Yi's defeat the Coalition was a lost cause. It would probably be best for them to commit suicide right then and there. At least they wouldn't suffer for very long.

The Wu warships huddled into position as their finest warriors pounced from their transport ships onto the shore, where a few enemy scouts stood unwittingly. It seemed that these scouts had horrible eyesight, for they were trying to determine just how many soldiers each warship carried, but were quickly attacked by Coalition amphibious troops. With a few enemy eyes out of the way, the main army could easily proceed.

Hua Xiong stood agape as a flood of enemy ground troops headed straight for his position. With no chance of reinforcements, and so many enemy soldiers, he felt his manliness slowly melt away.

"Commander, if we do not strike them now, we will be overrun..." A lieutenant stammered as he ran to the warrior's side.

Hua Xiong just stood there, frozen at the sight of a hundred enemy vessels unloading tens of thousands of soldiers. "... Maybe we'll be overrun quicker if we do attack now..." He mumbled.

The warrior was fortunate not to see the look of horror on his subordinate's face.

* * *

"The enemy has not made a single move... This is worrisome..." Zhou Tai muttered as he leaned over their main warship's railing.

"What's more worrisome is the fact that we're sitting here on our arses when we could have already taken the city! Tell the Admiral that if he's not going to make a move, I will. I'm going to go over there and wipe the floor with these centaurs and talking horses and idiots who joined them!" Gan Ning snarled, ready to jump off the side of his ship and swim to Lu Jiang.

"Commander, it would seem that the enemy position really has chosen to sit tight and not move out. Your orders?" Guo Jia shook his head at the lack of action he witnessed, but turned to the admiral just the same.

Zhou Yu also sighed. "Attach a surrender offering to an arrow and shoot it over the enemy battlements. The wind blows our ships closer to Lu Jiang which will make this task easier. If they accept we can probably use the city to prepare for an enemy counter assault. If they do not, well, that's what our ballistae are for."

* * *

And so the arrow was sent, and Li Ru, Huang Zu, and Hua Xiong huddled around it, mumbling their next move.

"Think about it, if we surrender now, we can trick the entire Coalition army into using our city as a harbor and base. They'll be grounded here and we can alert the Feral Legion to strike, slaughtering them all and giving us a huge raise. We'll make something of ourselves!" Li Ru laughed.

"And betray our fellow Chinese? No... That would be evil... At the same time, though, we can't afford to surrender as the Feral Legion will eat us alive. Besides, Zhou Yu wouldn't be too happy to see you, Huang Zu, or you, Master Li." Hua Xiong mumbled.

"Bah, Zhou Yu is but a simple child with some tactical skills. We should strike now while he's weak enough to ask us for our surrender. He's probably too inquisitive to be prepared if we were to strike him right now. Let us attack!" Huang Zu clenched his fist.

Li Ru just narrowed his eyes. "No, we should fake our surrender."

"Attack!"

"Fake surrender!"

"Attack!"

"Fake surrender!"

"ATTACK!"

"NO, FAKE OUR SURRENDER!"

"Um, guys..." Hua Xiong began.

"ATTACK!" Huang Zu screamed, blurting the general out.

"NO, YOU INGRATE! WE MUST FAKE OUR SURRENDER!" Li Ru roared back.

"... They've definitely heard us by now..." Hua Xiong groaned.

Sure enough, their walls boomed and shook from the impact of heavy ballista fire.

* * *

Li Ru and Huang Zu were captured, and neither were able to fake a surrender or attack, as their men had all surrendered for real.

Hua Xiong decided to join the Coalition. Anything would be better than serving as a slave under the animals, and he had a chance to redeem himself.

Zhou Yu, knowing that Lu Jiang had fallen far too quickly for enough messengers to be sent, decided to set up his plan to beat off the Feral Legion's doubtless retaliative attack.

Both he and Guo Jia scanned the terrain, personally ordering crews of workers to set up certain oil and dried kindling traps here and there, also making certain that explosives were placed in several positions underground. With Guo Jia's careful eye, and Zhou Yu's talents with fire, they knew they'd have focused blasts that would wipe out at least thousands of feral troops.

So, after regrouping on the proud walls of Lu Jiang, the two Coalition strategists and their subordinates waited for the inevitable.

* * *

The horde arrived, smashing past the few barricades Guo Jia had placed. If they made the appearance of a struggle, that would make the legion want to recapture the city even more.

Certain rangers fired upon the enemy from the cover of trees, and the angry Feral Legion chased after them, trying to hunt them down. However, with their knowledge of the terrain the Coalition rangers were able to slip away, guiding the enemy to the positions where Zhou Yu and Guo Jia would work their magic.

Setting off a spark on the fuse, Zhou Yu waited for his fireworks.

A hundred thousand of the Feral Legion's shock animals hurled themselves through Lu Jiang's fields, searching eagerly for humans to slaughter. The humans had betrayed their animal masters, and thus they had to be punished. Because they assisted the enemy in an act of war, their punishment would be death, and no Feral Legion warrior wanted to deny them their right as human servants to be killed.

By the time they'd gathered themselves all over, the two strategist's trap was struck. The fields around Lu Jiang burst into flames, and in the inferno Zhou Yu and Guo Jia could see the agonized, screaming forms of the Feral Legion's troops, galloping back to the north where their main bases lay. The smell of charred meat filled the air, and Gan Ning started to wonder whether the enemy's flesh was edible. Too bad they didn't fry the Giant Chicken, but that could be a feat for next time.

As the ashes around Lu Jiang cooled, the Coalition eagerly claimed the city. With Hua Xiong having stored most of its granary and rations inside the city walls, the city could afford losing its harvests for a year or two. That would be enough time to reirrigate and restore Lu Jiang's old fields, and with the city in their hands Zhou Yu and Guo Jia were confident that brighter days awaited the people of China!

_But for every triumph, there must be a trial._

_In their darkest hour, a people must be strong._

_The Feral Legion is powerful, but the Coalition is not weak._

_Would ancient heroes like Han Xin and Zhang Liang truly make a difference in this battle?_

_Would warriors like Lu Bu and Xiang Yu succeed in crushing this horrible enemy?_

_And can China finally return to normal?_

_The answers, my friends, are for you to decide..._

_Time has been unkind to these untold histories, and the records have been lost from this point forth..._

_So I leave it to you to imagine their final struggles..._

**FIN**

* * *

1. I had the Chinese term zun ming in mind. (遵命)

And yes, behold the awesomeness of Zhou Yu / Guo Jia team battle!

2. Killer Whales, also known as Orcas, are not known to attack people. However, this is a fanfic where the animals are at war with humans. The horses made an agreement with the orcas, but orcas are smart enough not to miss out on obvious benefits for keeping humans alive.

* * *

Yes, this update took forever. I'm sorry. Real life is evil in that regard.


End file.
